e.p.t. Pregnancy Test, Certainty, 3-Count Tests
February 26th, 2012Posted in ept pregnancy test results | No Comments »
Bestbuy 10 Early Detection (HCG) Pregnancy Test Strips: Health …
February 25th, 2012The most simple and economical alternative for clinical diagnostic testing. The strip is designed for rapid determination of pregnancy conditions in urine specimens. The strip is dipped into a sample for 3-5 seconds. The reaction approximately takes 5 minutes with visual development of control and test lines.
new price:$2.48
Product Details
8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
B002NGG3JQ
W1
Product Features
Simple to use
Quick accurate results
Tags: 10 Early Detection (HCG) Pregnancy Test strips: Health & Personal Care
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False Negative Pregnancy Test Due to Drinking Too Much? | Positive …
February 25th, 2012If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
Rebecca Asked: false negative pregnancy test due to drinking too much?
I took a pregnancy test last night, and *think* I can see a very faint positive line, but I might be tricking myself. However, I did drink up to 1-1,5 litres (34-50oz) of water before I took it, today I’ve read that you shouldn’t drink much water before you take it, because it can affect the result, is that true?
View original: False Negative Pregnancy Test Due to Drinking Too Much?
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Not a Couple's Blog: Hear Ye, Hear Ye {Bloggy Trends I Am Not on …
February 25th, 2012
- I will not wear my hair in a bun and call it a “top knot.”
What is this trend? Is it because the word “bun” conjures up the image of a old lady librarian instead of a chic, hipster, mommmy blogger? Well, let me break it to you, internet, a “top knot” is just a bun. I promise.
i don’t know who this girl is. i found the picture by going to Pinterest and searching “top knot“. i was more than pleased with the results.
- I will not try to “sell my closet.”
On a practical level, if I did this, my closet would be empty. I do not own very many clothes. On a “seriously?! this again?!” level, I am not going to throw my wrinkled F21 t-shirts on a hanger and try to get other people to buy them online. That’s what garage sales are for. Besides, we all know F21 shirts cost about $11 to begin with, so charging anything close to that feels like a rip off.
- I will never announce a pregnancy by taking a picture of something I peed on.
Again, on a practical level, I could not even do that this time around because I did not pee on one of those fancy $15 sticks that reads “Pregnant” with a positive result. Nope, I got my tests from the dollar store, real classy like. It’s actually kind of a funny story that involves my spilling a cup of pee all over my bathroom carpet and then bursting into tears because is that one line or two, scott?! one line or two???* I told my mom I was planning on sharing the story on the blog and she said “please don’t.”
And that’s the second reason I won’t take pictures of pregnancy tests. If my mom does not even want to hear my “pee stories” do strangers on the internet really want to see the evidence? Do I really want to show them?
Those are questions for the ages, children.
*By the way, I always rolled my eyes at those commercials claiming most women cannot correctly read a pregnancy test. Where are all these stupid women and why are they having babies?! I wondered, usually out loud. But then my moment came, and that blasted almost-maybe-faint-line had me questioning my eyesight and everything I thought I knew about TV commercials. Go figure.
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Bestbuy Clearblue Easy Digital Ovulation Test, 7 Count (Packaging …
February 25th, 2012Clearblue® helps simplify trying to conceive with its Digital Ovulation Test that is over 99% accurate and the preferred brand by 9 out of 10 women.1,2 Easy to use and read – a flashing test stick “timer” symbol shows the test is working and a clear smiley face in the indicator window tells a woman her 2 best days to conceive. No more interpreting hard-to-read line tests.
How the Digital Ovulation Test Works
The following chart outlines the phases of a woman’s menstrual cycle, showing how the two most fertile days coincide with the luteinizing hormone (LH) surge (24-36 hours before ovulation) and the release of an egg (ovulation). These are a woman’s 2 best days to conceive a baby and what the Digital Ovulation Test identifies by monitoring LH levels. This is a preferred method over measuring Basal Body Temperature, which only increases after ovulation making it too late of an indicator for your current cycle’s ovulation, or relying on only an ovulation calculator, which has a large margin of error since in over 40% of women aged 18-40 years, cycle lengths vary by 7 days.3
It is known that many women have low levels of LH present in their urine throughout their cycles. The Clearblue Digital Ovulation Test therefore sets a personalized threshold level for each woman, by measuring their change in LH level from their personal baseline.
Testing Directions
To use the Clearblue Digital Ovulation Test with 7 test sticks, you will need to know your typical cycle length to determine when to start testing. Use the following chart as a guide and then follow the steps below:
- Remove the test stick from its wrapper. Insert the test stick into its holder until it clicks into place. The ready symbol should appear. Point the Absorbent Tip downward in your urine for 5-7 seconds. Keep the Absorbent Tip pointing downward or lay the test on a flat surface. After 20-40 seconds the test symbol will begin flashing to tell you that it is working. Replace the cap and wipe off any excess urine. Within 3 minutes your result will appear.
With some tests, reading the results can be difficult -as many as one in four people misread the result from a traditional ovulation line test.2 Digital results take away this potential human error and data shows that when compared to traditional line tests, the Clearblue Digital Ovulation Test is more accurately read by consumers.2
A smiley face means your LH surge has been detected. You can stop testing for this cycle. Having sex within the next 48 hours will maximize your chances of getting pregnant.
A blank circle means your LH surge has NOT been detected. Continue testing with a new test stick at the same time tomorrow.
When It’s Time, Get Accurate Pregnancy Results
All Clearblue Pregnancy Tests are over 99% accurate to give you confidence in your result when used from the day of the expected period.4 See our Clearblue Pregnancy Test Buying Guide for help choosing the right test for you.
Want to Know More About Predicting Ovulation?
Clearblue provides a range of easy-to-use products to help determine ovulation with confidence. Learn more about pinpointing ovulation and your peak fertility days by reading about the different methods you can choose from in our Ovulation Test Buying Guide.
new price:$20.97
Product Details
6 x 5 x 4 inches ; 2.7 ounces
2.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
This item can only be shipped to the 48 contiguous states. We regret it cannot be shipped to APO/FPO, Hawaii, Alaska, or Puerto Rico.
B000ZM24UM
633472004506
Product Features
Maximize the chances of conceiving naturally
Completely clear result: A smiley face in the indicator window pinpoints your 2 most likely days to get pregnant
Over 99% accurate at detecting your LH surge
Take the test any time of the day
7 Clearblue Digital Ovulation Tests included
Tags: 7 Count (Packaging May Vary): Health & Personal Care, Clearblue Easy-Digital Ovulation Test
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EPT Early Pregnancy Test, 2-Count
February 25th, 2012
Here is How to Use the EPT Early Pregnancy Tests
The EPT Early Pregnancy Test is a home testing kit for women who believe that they may be pregnant. In clinical trials, this test has been proven to be approximately 99% accurate when it comes to picking up on the hormone that is present in the body when pregnancy occurs.
It is important to understand, however, that many women have varying levels of this hormone present in their body early into the pregnancy. This means that some women will have a larger amount of this hormone in their body than others on the first day following a period that has been missed.
In addition to this, many women may actually miscalculate the expected date of the start of the menstrual cycle. Here, you will learn the instructions on how to properly use the EPT Pregnancy Test.
Standard EPT Pregnancy Test
The standard EPT Pregnancy Test is relatively simple to use. If you follow the directions below, you can easily get an accurate reading:
1. The first thing that you should do is plan on performing the test in the morning, when you pass urine for the first time. This urine sample will have the highest amount of the pregnancy hormone if you are pregnant.
2. When you are ready to perform the test, you should remove it from the foil wrapper that it is in.
3. You will notice that there is a cap that is purple in color on the end of the test. You should go ahead and remove this in order to uncover the absorbent tip.
4. Now, as you are urinating, you will want to turn the test upside down and expose the tip to the urine stream. Many women are uncomfortable with this step. If you are, you can collect a sample of urine and then place the tip in it from there. If you hold the test in the urine stream, just about a five second exposure should work. If you use a sample, about twenty seconds will be appropriate.
5. Once the test has been exposed to the urine, you will want to turn it face up and leave it on a flat surface. Generally, results occur within two minutes. You will see a blue type color moving across the window as it is performing the test.
6. If you see a (+) appear on the test, this indicates that you are pregnant, if you only see a (-), this indicates that the test is negative.
EPT Digital Home Pregnancy Test
If you elect to purchase the ever-popular EPT Digital Home Pregnancy Test, the instructions are the same as the standard EPT Home Pregnancy Test. The difference, however, is in the results.
With this type of test, you will be issued standard results via a small digital window that is included on the test itself.
The interpretation of the digital test is often much easier than that of the standard test.
Conclusion
The EPT Pregnancy Test is one of the most trusted and reliable pregnancy tests available on the market today. If you suspect that you are pregnant, then this may be a great test to start with.
If you discover that you have a positive result, it is important that you set an appointment with your doctor in order to confirm the pregnancy. If pregnancy is confirmed, you should start prenatal care immediately, including taking your doctor-recommended prenatal vitamins.
EPT
Customer Reviews
Product Relate
- First Response Early Result Pregnancy Test, 3 tests
- Wondfo Pregnancy Test Strips, 25-count
- Clearblue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test, 4 Count (Packaging May Vary)
- Clearblue Easy +/- Results Pregnancy Test, 2 Count (Packaging May Vary)
- e.p.t. Pregnancy Test, Certainty, 3-Count Tests
EPT Early Pregnancy Test, 2-Count

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How Soon Did You Get a Positive Result With a First Response …
February 24th, 2012Question by Hailey Bob: How soon did you get a positive result with a First Response pregnancy test? How long is your cycle?
Hi,
I would like to know when you tested positive for pregnancy (how many days after ovulation) with a First Response brand test and how long your average cycle is. I have read that longer cycles like mine (33 days) may not show positives as quick as the average 28 day cycle, so I would also like to know how long your cycle is.
Thankyou!
Give your answer to this question below!
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How to Perform Home Pregnancy Test After IVF
February 24th, 2012One of the most successful ‘assisted reproductive methods’ , IVF is a process by which egg cells taken out from mother’s body and are fertilized with the sperm of the donor. The whole process is conducted inside an incubator, and it takes around three days to complete the fertilization process. After the sufficient development of the embryo, it is placed back in the womb of the mother. The mother is then advised to take a complete bed rest for twelve to fifteen days. After which a pregnancy test is conducted to confirm the treatment. Usually a serum pregnancy test is done to test the progesterone levels. It is a kind of blood test done to confirm the pregnancy. These blood tests are conducted repeatedly to monitor for ectopic pregnancies or miscarriages. However home pregnancy tests after IVF can also be conducted to confirm the treatment.
A pregnancy test at home usually checks the human chorionic gonadotropin, in the urine.
This HCG is produced by the placenta only if an embryo is successfully implanted. These are a few facts about pregnancy tests after IVF.
- Usually a home pregnancy test gives a positive result during the time of a missed period, however since the HCG is administered during the IVF process, conducting an early home pregnancy test after IVF can give false positive results.
- A blood test is usually more reliable than a home pregnancy test after IVF.
- Vaginal ultrasound is also an effective method of testing pregnancy after IVF. The ultrasound is usually crucial in determining the number of pregnancies. An IVF treatment usually has a higher chance of multiple pregnancies.
- If the test is positive, then repeated ultrasounds and blood tests are conducted by the doctor to monitor the pregnancy.
It is never easy to decide to have a baby with a help of IVF. A difficult and nerve wracking process, one needs to be absolutely confident and prepared for all the risks, hassles and hard work while conducting an IVF. However IVF is one of the most successful inventions of medical science that helps in overcoming infertility. With the help of advanced technology the process has become a lot more smooth and seamless. After the initial transfer of embryo, a simple blood test or a home pregnancy test after IVF helps in confirming the pregnancy. The success rate of an IVF treatment has increased effectively.
Thus more and more childless couples, these days are trying out the option of IVF successfully.
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Customer Reviews Wondfo Pregnancy Test Strips, 25-Count: Health …
February 24th, 2012Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) is a hormone, produced by the developing placenta shortly after the conception and secreted into the urine. The pregnancy test contains antibodies which specifically react with this hormone. Negative (not pregnant): Only one color band appears, in the Control Zone. No apparent band on the Test Zone. This indicates that no pregnancy has been detected. Positive (pregnant): Distinct color bands appear in the Control and Test Zones. It indicates that you are pregnant. The color intensity of the test bands may vary since different stages of pregnancy have different concentrations of HCG hormone.
new price:$0.20
Product Details
0.8 x 0.8 x 0.1 inches ; 2.4 ounces
4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Currently, item can be shipped only within the U.S.
B0002YIQEQ
674715195995 879766001978
WS-1
Product Features
Convenient 25 pack
Simple to use
Quick results in 5 minutes
Tags: 25-count: Health & Personal Care, Wondfo Pregnancy Test Strips
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Yearning for Conception: The Art of Waiting | Orion Magazine
February 24th, 2012by Belle Boggs
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IT’S SPRING WHEN I REALIZE that I may never have children, and around that time the thirteen-year cicadas return, burrowing out of neat, round holes in the ground to shed their larval shells, sprout wings, and fly to the treetops, filling the air with the sound of their singular purpose: reproduction. In the woods where I live, an area mostly protected from habitat destruction, the males’ mating song, a vibrating, whooshing, endless hum, a sound at once faraway and up-close, makes me feel like I am living inside a seashell.
Near the river, where the song is louder, their discarded larval shells—translucent amber bodies, weightless and eerie—crunch underfoot on my daily walks. Across the river, in a nest constructed near the top of a tall, spindly pine, bald eagles take turns caring for two new eaglets. Baby turtles, baby snakes, and ducklings appear on the water. Under my parents’ porch, three feral cats give birth in quick succession. And on the news, a miracle pregnancy: Jamani, an eleven-year-old female gorilla at the North Carolina Zoo, is expecting, the first gorilla pregnancy there in twenty-two years.
I visit my reproductive endocrinologist’s office in May and notice, in the air surrounding the concrete and steel hospital complex, a strange absence of sound. There are no tall trees to catch the wind or harbor the now incessant cicadas, and on the pedestrian bridge from the parking deck everyone walks quickly, head down, intent on making their appointments. In the waiting room, I test the leaf surface of a potted ficus with my fingernail and am reassured to find that it is real: green, living.
The waiting room’s magazine selection is scanty: a couple of years-old New Yorkers, the address labels torn off, and a thick volume of the alarmingly titled Fertility and Sterility. On the journal’s cover, on a field of red, is a small, square photograph of an infant rhesus monkey clasped by unseen human hands in a white terry-cloth towel. The monkey wears a startled expression, its dark eyes wide, its mouth forming a tiny pink oval of surprise. A baby monkey hardly seems the thing to put in front of women struggling through the confusion and uncertainties of fertility treatment—what are those mysterious, grayish blobs on the ultrasound, anyway?—but, unsure how long I’ll wait before my name is called, I reach for the journal. Flipping through, I find another photograph of the monkey and its monkey siblings, and the corresponding article about fertility preservation in human and nonhuman primates exposed to radiation. This monkey’s mother, along with forty-three other monkeys, was given an experimental drug and exposed to the same kind of radiation administered to women undergoing cancer treatment. On other pages, I find research about mouse testicular cells, peritoneal adhesions in rats, and in vitro fertilization of baboons.
Of course, this research was designed to study human, not animal, infertility. Nonhuman animals don’t expose themselves to fertility-compromising radiation therapy, nor do they postpone reproduction, as I have, with years of birth control. Reproducing and ensuring the sexual maturity of offspring is a biological imperative for animals—their success depends on it, and in species after species we see that both males and females will sacrifice everything, their lives even, to achieve it. But in species with more complex reproductive systems—the animals genetically closest to humans—scientists have documented examples of infertility, hormonal imbalances, endometriosis, and even reproductive suppression. How do they cope? I wonder, staring at the photo of the baby rhesus monkey, its round, wide-set eyes designed to provoke a maternal response. Do they deal with infertility or the inability to become parents any better—or any differently—than we do?
My name is called, and a doctor I’ve never met performs a scan of my ovaries. I take notes in a blank book I’ve filled with four-leaf clovers found on my river walks: Two follicles? Three? Chance of success 15–18 percent.
On the way out, I steal the journal with the monkey on the cover. Back home, under the canopy of oak and hickory trees, I open the car door and sound rushes in, louder after its absence. Cicada song—thousands and thousands of males contracting their internal membranes so that each might find his mate. In Tennessee it gets so bad that a man calls 911 to complain because he thinks it’s someone operating machinery.
A FEW DAYS LATER, I visit the North Carolina Zoo, where Jamani, the pregnant gorilla, seems unaware of the dozens of extra visitors who have come to see her each day since the announcement of her condition. She shares an enclosure with Acacia, a socially dominant but somewhat petite sixteen-year-old female, and Nkosi, a twenty-year-old, 410-pound male. The breeding of captive lowland gorillas is managed by a Species Survival Plan that aims to ensure genetic diversity among captive members of a species. That means adult female gorillas are given birth control pills—the same kind humans take—until genetic testing recommends them for breeding with a male of the same species. Even after clearance, it can take months or years for captive gorillas to conceive. Some never do.
Humans have a long history of imposing various forms of birth control and reproductive technologies on animals, breeding some and sterilizing others. In recent years, we’ve even administered advanced fertility treatments to endangered captive animals like giant pandas and lowland gorillas. These measures, both high- and low-tech, have come to feel as routine as the management of our own reproduction. We feel responsible when we spay and neuter our cats and dogs, proud when our local zoos release photos of baby animals born of luck and science.
Jamani and Acacia were both brought to the North Carolina Zoo in 2010, after Jamani was recommended for breeding with Nkosi, which was accomplished simply by housing the animals in the same enclosure. The zoo staff confirmed Jamani’s pregnancy through an e.p.t. pregnancy test, the kind you can buy at a drugstore.
I ask Aaron Jesue, one of her keepers, if either Jamani or Acacia seem to have registered Jamani’s pregnancy, if they’ve noticed any changes in behavior, but so far the only change is the increase in zoo visitors to the gorilla exhibit, and the many scientists and zookeepers they have consulted to help prepare for the birth. “Jamani is still the submissive female,” Jesue says. “We’ll see if that stays the same.”
MANY INFERTILE WOMEN SAY that the worst part of the experience is the jealousy they feel toward pregnant women, who seem to be everywhere when you are trying (and failing) to conceive. At the infertility support group I attend, in the basement of another hospital an hour away, the topic of jealousy and petty hurts frequently begins our conversations.
“I don’t mind babies and children, but I hate pregnant women,” says one woman, trim and pretty, with a sensible brown bob. “I hate them, and I don’t care how that sounds.”
So we talk about that for a while: deleting Facebook friends whose frequent status updates document their gestational cycle, steering clear of baby showers and children’s birthday parties. We talk about our fears that we will be left out, left behind, while our friends and relatives go about the business of raising their ever-growing families.
The family as a socially isolating unit is an idea not limited to humans. In the wild, infants represent competition for resources, and it is not uncommon for a mother’s job to be primarily about hiding and protecting their infants from members of their own species. Jane Goodall observed chimpanzee mothers completely protecting their infants from contact with other nonsibling chimpanzees for the first five months of life, pulling their infants’ hands away when they reached for nearby chimps.
In a marmoset community, the presence of a pregnant female can actually cause infertility in others, though the result is not isolation but rather increased cooperation. Marmosets are tiny South American monkeys that participate in reproductive suppression; that is, typically only one dominant female in a breeding group reproduces, often giving birth to litter after litter before any of the others has a chance. This is accomplished through behavior—some females simply do not mate—and also through a specialized neuroendocrine response to the perception of subordination, which, like the pill, inhibits ovarian follicular development and ovulation. Some never get their chance, but remain in the submissive, nonbreeding category all their lives.
Marmosets are a mostly peaceful, cooperatively living animal. They make their nests in rainforest canopies and live in groups of three to fifteen, feeding on spiders, insects, and small vertebrates. Common marmosets are infrequently aggressive, with aggressive acts usually centering on the establishment of the breeding dominance of a female. Cooperation is remarkable among marmosets, particularly in regard to infant care. All group members over five months of age—male, female, dominant, subordinate—participate, and a dominant female will allow her offspring to be carried by other group members from the first day of life. Scientists have speculated that this dependence on helpers—marmosets usually give birth to twins—is the reason for behavioral and hormonal reproductive suppression. The phenomenon of suppression occurs both in the wild and in captivity.
Occasionally a subordinate female will reproduce, although her infant has a diminished chance of survival. One reason is the practice of infanticide, which researchers have observed eight times in the wild (more frequently, the tiny infants just disappear). Infanticide most commonly occurs when a subordinate female gives birth during the pregnancy of the dominant female, who is often the attacker. Despite the apparent brutality of such a system, it does not seem to diminish social relationships or cooperation among the marmosets.
Sometimes cooperation is so extensive that it becomes difficult for researchers to establish which female is the biological mother. In one instance, recorded by Leslie Digby in Brazil in 1991, two adult females gave birth to twins in the same week. Less than a month later, two of the infants had disappeared, but because both mothers continued to nurse both surviving infants, it was impossible to tell which female was the biological mother or “even whether those that disappeared were members of a single litter,” according to Digby’s report.
Like ours, the animal world is full of paradoxical examples of gentleness, brutality, and suffering, often performed in the service of reproduction. Female black widow spiders sometimes devour their partners after a complex and delicate mating dance. Bald eagle parents, who mate for life and share the responsibility of rearing young, will sometimes look on impassively as the stronger eaglet kills its sibling. At the end of their life cycle, after swimming thousands of miles in salt water, Pacific salmon swim up their natal, freshwater streams to spawn, while the fresh water decays their flesh. Animals will do whatever it takes to ensure reproductive success.
FOR HUMANS, “whatever it takes” has come to mean in vitro fertilization (IVF), a procedure developed in the 1970s that involves the hormonal manipulation of a woman’s cycle followed by the harvest and fertilization of her eggs, which are transferred as embryos to her uterus. Nearly 4 million babies worldwide have been born through IVF, which has become a multibillion-dollar industry.
“Test-tube baby,” says another woman at the infertility support group, a young ER doctor who has given herself five at-home inseminations and is thinking of moving on to IVF. “I really hate that term. It’s a baby. That’s all it is.” She has driven seventy miles to talk to seven other women about the stress and isolation of infertility.
In the clinics, they call what the doctors and lab technicians do ART—assisted reproductive technology—softening the idea of the test-tube baby, the lab-created human. Art is something human, social, nonthreatening. Art does not clone or copy, but creates. It is often described as priceless, timeless, healing. It is far from uncommon to spend large amounts of
money on art. It’s an investment.
All of these ideas soothe, whether we think them through or not, just as the experience of treating infertility, while often painful and undignified, soothes as well. For the woman, treating infertility is about nurturing her body, which will hopefully produce eggs and a rich uterine lining where a fertilized egg could implant. All of the actions she might take in a given month—abstaining from caffeine and alcohol, taking Clomid or Femara, injecting herself with Gonal-f or human chorionic gonadotropin, charting her temperature and cervical mucus on a specialized calendar—are essentially maternal, repetitive, and self-sacrificing. In online message boards, where women gather to talk about their Clomid cycles and inseminations and IVF cycles, a form of baby talk is used to discuss the organs and cells of the reproductive process. Ovarian follicles are “follies,” embryos are “embies,” and frozen embryos—the embryos not used in an IVF cycle, which are frozen for future tries—are “snowbabies.” The frequent ultrasounds given to women in a treatment cycle, which monitor the growth of follicles and the endometrial lining, are not unlike the ultrasounds of pregnant women in the early stages of pregnancy. There is a wand, a screen, and something growing.
And always: something more to do, something else to try. It doesn’t take long, in an ART clinic, to spend tens of thousands of dollars on tests, medicine, and procedures. When I began to wonder why I could not conceive, I said the most I would do was read a book and chart my temperature. My next limit was pills: I would take them, but no more than that. Next was intrauterine insemination, a relatively inexpensive and low-tech procedure that requires no sedation. Compared to the women in my support group, women who leave the room to give themselves injections in the hospital bathroom, I’m a lightweight. Often during their discussions of medications and procedures I have no idea what they’re talking about, and part of the reason I attend each month is to listen to their horror stories. I’m hoping to detach from the process, to see what I could spare myself if I gave up.
But after three years of trying, it’s hard to give up. I know that it would be better for the planet if I did (if infinitesimally so), better for me, in some ways, as a writer. Certainly giving up makes financial sense. Years ago, when I saw such decisions as black or white, ight or wrong, I would have felt it was selfish and wasteful to spend thousands of dollars on unnecessary medical procedures. Better, the twenty-two-year-old me would have argued, to donate the money to an orphanage or a children’s hospital. Better to adopt.
The thirty-four-year-old me has careful but limited savings, knows how difficult adoption is, and desperately wants her body to work the way it is supposed to.
A LARGE PART OF THE PRESSURE and frustration of infertility is the idea that fertility is normal, natural, and healthy, while infertility is rare, unnatural, and means something is wrong with you. It’s not usually a problem you anticipate; from the time we are very young, we are warned and promised that pregnancy will one day happen. At my support group, someone always says how surprised she is to be there.
My parents married in their early twenties and moved to the country to live on a farm and raise a family. It took them thirteen months to conceive me, and my mother says that during those months of waiting she thought she had been ruined by her previous years of birth control. That’s how she put it—ruined—as if the rest of her working body, her strong back, her artist’s hands, her quick wit, did not matter.
Although I married almost as young as my mother—I was twenty-six—it never occurred to me to have children right away. In my first year of marriage, I was teaching writing workshops to kindergarteners in Brooklyn, and at the beginning of the year I remember drawing and labeling a diagram of my bedroom on a big pad of paper while my students worked in their own notebooks. Daniel, a bright and charming five-year-old, pointed at the drawing of my bed—“Why are there two pillows?” he asked. “One for me, and one for my husband,” I said. He gasped. “You’re going to have a baby!” I laughed and shook my head. “I’m too young to have a baby,” I said, though on parent-teacher night I realized that Daniel’s own parents were younger than I was.
Three years later, I invited a public health nurse to speak to a group of fifth graders I was teaching in North Carolina. The subject of her talk was “your changing bodies,” a reliable source of giggles, but the nurse, a beautiful and soft-spoken woman who happened to be blind, brought a hushed seriousness to the talk. She angled her face upward so that her lecture took on the air of prayer, and she handled the plastic anatomical models of the vagina and uterus reverently. “Your bodies are miracles,” she told the girls in a separate session. “They are built to have babies. That is the reason for menstruation, the reason for the changes your body will go through.”
“Your brains are miracles, too,” I told them later. “Bigger miracles than your uteruses. You don’t have to have a baby if you don’t want to.” But my words sounded feeble and undignified next to the nurse’s serene pronouncement.
I’m always surprised when my students, boys and girls alike, from kindergarteners to high school seniors, talk about the children they will have someday. “My kids won’t act like that,” they say, watching an unruly class of kids on a field trip. Or, worriedly, “I bet I’ll have all boys. What will I do with all boys?” It seems far more common for them to imagine the children they might have than the jobs they might do or the places they might live.
Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised. Perhaps imagining ourselves as parents is not only the expression of a biological drive, but essential to understanding the scope of our lives, who we are and who we might become. For years I have dealt with a dread of old age and death by reminding myself that I have not yet given birth. I can imagine the moment clearly—my husband is there next to me, my parents are waiting to meet their grandchild—and the fact that it hasn’t happened (always, it is at least nine months away) reassures me that some new stage of life is still to come. I’m not sure when people started asking me if I have children—a couple of years ago, I think. “Not yet,” I always say.
Tillie Olsen’s groundbreaking, feminist book Silences includes a chapter called “The Damnation of Women” on the choice many women writers made between work and children. Olsen writes that it is not until the twentieth century that “an anguish, a longing to have children, breaks into expression. In private diaries and letters only.” Her selections from Virginia Woolf’s diaries in particular are extraordinary for their candor and pain. Woolf, who never had children, struggled with the idea of that loss for more than a decade, writing:
. . . and all the devils came out—heavy black ones—to be 29 & unmarried—to be a failure—childless—insane too, no writer . . .
She seems to have conflated the failure to reproduce with a failure to write well, though she is only two years away from finishing her first novel. In her thirties, still childless, just a few years from writing Mrs. Dalloway, she writes of “having no children” and “failing to write well” in the same sentence. At forty-four, she describes the dread she feels observing her sister’s life as an artist and mother:
Let me watch the wave rise. I watch. Vanessa. Children. Failure. Yes. Failure. Failure. The wave rises.
It is only after embracing her writing as an “anchor” that she makes peace with her childlessness:
I can dramatise myself as a parent, it is true. And perhaps I have killed the feeling instinctively; or perhaps nature does.
Because we spend much of our young lives dramatizing and imagining ourselves as parents, it isn’t surprising that even the strongest of us let the body’s failure become how we define ourselves. But nature, which gives us other things to do, tells us otherwise. The feeling of grief subsides; we think through our options and make choices. We work, travel, find other ways to be successful. After completing The Waves, at forty-eight, Woolf writes of a feeling of intoxication that comes from writing well:
Children are nothing to this.
I’m no Virginia Woolf, but on occasion, after a good stretch of writing or time spent happily alone, I’ve had that feeling. It’s thrilling, like taking a drug or riding a bicycle down a steep hill. Probably it isn’t that different from the feeling a new mother has, looking at her child. Not yet, I’ve thought, suddenly protective of my time, my privacy, my freedom.
I once asked my father, “Does having kids really squash all your dreams?”
He thought for a minute. “Yep,” he said. “And it takes all your money too.”
ON THE NORTH CAROLINA ZOO’S Facebook page, Jamani’s keepers have posted a video of her latest sonogram. In a practiced pose, Jamani stands upright in an indoor room, clutching the steel grate that separates her from the zoo’s staff. Her belly is accessible through a small gap in the grate. Humans and gorillas are so closely related that staff members wear hospital masks to protect themselves and Jamani from viruses.
“Hands up, hands up,” one zookeeper says, clicking a training noisemaker while another keeper feeds her from a platter of vegetables. “Belly.” Jamani does not move her hands, but the keeper repeats the commands every few seconds. She is praised for her compliance, and the black-and-white image of her baby, looking not unlike the human sonograms I’ve seen on Facebook, appears on the veterinarian technician’s laptop. I’ve watched it a dozen times, studying Jamani’s face for clues to her comprehension.
So neat! comments one poster beneath the link.
She is doing great, says another.
The Baby is a cutie already, writes another.
Waiting in the outdoor enclosure during the filming, childless Acacia must be sitting on her haunches, chomping lettuce or carrots, oblivious to the fuss being made over Jamani, unaware of the fuss to come. Part of the reason for the attention from the media, from veterinarians, and from zoos across the country is the pregnancy’s rarity among captive gorillas, and its uncertainty. In 2010, only six successful gorilla births were recorded in American zoos, and even when infants are born healthy, there’s the chance that the mother will reject her young. If this happens, Jamani’s keepers plan for Acacia to take over as a surrogate. Meanwhile, Acacia mates with Nkosi regularly though she has taken birth control pills since 2001 and will remain on birth control until the Gorilla Species Survival Plan determines that she is compatible with Nkosi. She may never conceive, but according to her keepers, she seems content.
Nonhuman animals wait without impatience, without a deadline, and I think that is the secret to their composure. Reproductively mature for more than half her life, Acacia waits without knowing she is waiting. The newly hatched cicadas will wait underground for another thirteen years. The submissive marmoset who declines sex, or whose ovaries fail to produce mature follicles, waits and waits—maybe forever.
Though infertile women are aware of the passing of months and years—marked by charts, appointments, prescriptions, and pregnancy tests—we have something animals lack, which is the conscious possibility of a new purpose, a sense of self not tied to reproduction. I think it comes on us eventually, as Woolf suggests, but perhaps knowing that it comes, and understanding infertility as a natural, perhaps even useful phenomenon, can provide us with a measure of peace. Marmoset communities would not survive without their reproductively suppressed, caretaking females. Had Virginia Woolf been a mother, she may not have given us Mrs. Dalloway, To the Lighthouse, A Room of One’s Own, The Waves.
The cicadas stop their noise at the end of May. The adults are dead—eaten by other animals, worn out from their reproductive frenzy—and their wings litter the ground that will protect and nurture their young.
The silence is startling at first—I step outside each morning expecting to hear that seashell sound—but it’s also a relief. I wait for some other wave.
Postscript: Jamani, expected to give birth in August, lost her infant to stillbirth in late June. Her keepers closed her exhibit to visitors and allowed her to hold and carry the baby until she made peace with the loss. Jamani did not allow Nkosi or Acacia to get close to the infant, but spent the day holding it, cleaning it, and trying to stimulate movement and feeding. Eventually, she set the infant down and walked away, signaling that she had grieved enough.
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